After several drinks with some theatre friends the other night, the conversation turned to dominance and submission within a relationship. Always fun. (Now, I've never told any of those friends explicitly that I am seeking a dominant style relationship.) One guy went round the table, trying to pick whether each person was predominantly dominant or submissive in the bedroom. Pretty soon this became a bit of a game and everyone did it. I was shocked and surprised that out of ten people in the room, every single one of them picked me to be dominant! (Except for an ex of mine, who cracked up laughing.) Now, I know within myself that I'm not. The few friends and ex-boyfriends I've told know that I'm not. But the fact that a whole room of people that know me quite well thought that I was, got me to thinking – if this is the image of me that my friends have, what on earth are the men I'm meeting thinking of me?!

I do not fit the mould of a submissive woman. This I know. I keep my hair short because it's easy and it suits me. I wear funky, comfortable clothes (except when I go out, when it's funky and a bit sexier). My makeup is either non-existent or super-dramatic depending on my mood. I'm tall and broad-shouldered. I am extremely vivacious and social and have never had a problem talking to people about anything (and I'm a huge flirt!). And whilst I love getting dolled up and wearing stockings, skirts and heels, I'm also the first one to don jeans and pick up power tools when the need arises. I am feminine – both by definition (that I'm female) and by connotation, and I'm very happy with the fact that I'm a woman. I'm not trying to be one of the guys. Please don't get me wrong – I can be girly (how I hate that term) but usually only when I'm playing. I have no respect for the women I meet who are really girly-girls because more often than not, they seem to be air-headed and useless and their presence completely counter-productive when you're trying to get something done. I just don't have it in me to giggle and bat my eyelids and have deep and meaningful conversations about manicures. I've never even had a manicure because it makes playing the guitar impossible!

Now, here's the crunch. I love the way I am. I'm proud of my body, my personality and my opinions. I love that I am strong and independent and can walk home alone at night (gasp!). I wouldn't want any of that to change. What I do want is a man who is stronger. But, god help me, I just can't seem to find them! Where are they? And how can I attract the type of guy I want without diluting myself? Eric wrote a fascinating article which gave me a little hope, but now I just don't know. All of the articles that I have read (and I thank each and every author for sharing their experiences) deals with dominance either within an existing relationship or in theory. I want to open the floor here and ask you all for some advice. How do I convey my submissiveness to a potential partner, when everybody seems to think the opposite? Keep in mind that I don't necessarily want to broadcast exactly what I do in the bedroom to guys I hardly know! And (specifically for the guys) would you date a gal you perceived to be more dominant, for the challenge in making her submit?

I think that is the key -- people shouldn't be guessing. If someone does not know you well, there is no reason for them to even be guessing; and if you are close, or are becoming, close to them, then it is up to you to tell them (him). Ironically, you must be assertive enough to express your need to submit, and ask for that need to be met. And this is easier said than done, I know. I am in a relationship of 5 years and am only now figuring out that I want to be submissive, and to (gently) ask my lover to do this. He is listening, but I need to figure out how to ask even more directly. I am looking forward to the sweet reward of doing so. May you find your own sweet reward in the man who knows how to admire your many strengths and also to assert his own over you.

It's great to have a kindred spirit! You said that "that is the key - people shouldn't be guessing" and whilst I agree with you on an idealistic level, with all due respect I can't help but think that it's still not getting me very far! Maybe Aussie men are a bit different to most.... I don't know - but I seem to attract the more submissive guys, when I don't want to. The quiet, sweet, lovely "new men". They make great friends, they're just not what I want in a partner. I don't think that it's a case of them guessing anything consciously - just something that I am "putting out there" that attracts the kind of guys I'm not attracted to to at all. If it were a tap, I'd turn it the hell off! I guess what I'm asking is, what is it that I can do (if anything!), without changing myself overmuch, that will put across the right "vibes" (for lack of a better term).

If the kind of conversation you had with your ten friends occurs again (with them or with another group), you might want to make a joking comment like "you know, I wish I could find a man more dominant than I am but most of the guys I know are just wimps." That kind of comment would be perceived as a challenge to the male ego. Some of the men present might rise to the bait and others will sit quiet. They guy you are looking for is the one who takes you seriously and is supportive. He may say something like "keep looking, you'll find some" or "Oh, I bet you know some strong men and don't know it". The guy you don't want is the one who takes the bait ("Oh yeah, I got your dominance right here") or shows off or complains ("Hey, I'm not a wimp!"). The guy you *really* don't want is the one who puts you down or tries to embarass you. Strong guys have strong egos and can take it. Another method: try putting the moves on a guy using a nice direct approach. Come on strong, displaying your dominant side in all its glory. If he backs away or is afraid or "wimps out", he's not the right guy. If he stands his ground and flirts back or takes charge of the situation, then you've found someone interesting. Bottom line: if you think a man might be dominant, push him. If he is strong and likes to dominate strong women, you might just find the tables turned on you.

Both men and women need to understand that a young woman's assertiveness is both a natural and desirable self-protective mechanism. Generally men fail to appreciate this aspect of a woman's personality until they have daughters and discover certain young men, of whom they do not approve, attracted to them! This allows women to be selective in *her* choice of mates. One common mistake that women make is in expecting men to take the lead in establishing a relationship. While true to the ideal, these days passively taking what comes along often results in women wishing to be taken in hand all too often dating aggressive - even predatory - wolves rather than assertive men. Smooth talkers do not always make for good husbands or even decent friends!

There's a universal bdsm symbol that appears on The Castle and other D/s websites. You could get a ring or necklace with this symbol and wait. Sooner or later someone will recognize it. If a person doesn't recognize it but just asks, make up some other answer. Wear a stylishly decorated leather choker. Sooner or later someone will remark that it looks like a slave collar. There's your opening. Carry a copy of "Beauty's Awakening," "Story of O," or "Exit to Eden." Someone who read the book will open a conversation. This gives you a chance to feel him out and see if his interests match yours.